Just In Love Living In A Nirvana…

It’s almost two months now but seems it’s like forever. I’m still feeling this emptiness, this large part of my heart that’s missing, this pain and this sadness. I can still feel my heart breaking into million pieces. I’m still waking up at night just to find myself crying.

But I need to get past these things. I need to move on and stand up. But the big question is “HOW?”

How can I remove someone that’s already been part of my soul? How can I stop loving someone just by the flick of my fingers or just by a blink of an eye? How can I not long for that embrace where everything would be okay? How can I not miss someone’s voice that’s music to my ears? How can I not miss those big brown eyes that when they look at me, I can see my own soul?

She created a deep well within me. She filled it up with laughter and happiness, joyous things that I never imagined. And now, that well is still wide and deep, but filled with sorrow and longing. How can I empty a bottomless well?

It is so easy to fall in love. But to recover from love or to get over from love, it might be easier to retrieve and collect every drop of rain that falls from the sky and put them back to the clouds where they fell.

After several wondrous months of being with her, loving her, adoring her, caring for her, constantly looking for new ways to express my affection and devotion, I must abruptly give that up. I must simply not to love her anymore. How am I supposed to make soul-deep love die?

I have lived through those dark hours in my life. I have lived through my share of troubling emotions in my life. I have developed strength and endurance that carried me across seas of sadness and through fields of fear. But is this a challenge for which I am not equipped? Am I facing a formidable foe? Am I weaker than I imagined?

Who knows if time really heals all wounds, or ever diminished this love. Is there a love that time can never break their hold? So great, so profound and so true. My love for her grew into immense proportion and reaches the deepest of my soul. Some of my friends told me that these sweet memories, both thrill and torture will fade into pleasant, unemotional, recollections. But I still wonder, how can my eyes forget a beauty that once made them cry? How can my skin forget those soft fingers that expressed tender love and care?

Images of her may fade. But memories of her are etched into my being that I fear will only be gone when I’m gone. I know that I am like a bird with broken wings, it will heal and fly again. But I am afraid that I will not fly again as high as I flew with her. It seems that this great love, this magnificent love with so much laughter and happiness, is a burden that puts me in emotional quicksand, pulling me down, suffocating me and killing me. And this love is an ultimate irony. It takes me both to the highest of high and to the lowest of low. It brings happiness, it brings devastation. It made me a hero and a fool. It made me whole and broke me apart. Why do I grieve so? No one died, only my heart. I am alive but not well. I've lost something I cherished, and for which there is no replacement.

I would not give up the love I shared with her. Even suffering is ahead, I would choose it again, for this love is worth whatever price, whatever pain. Even in my grief and hurt, I still thank God for letting me experienced this wonderful and overwhelming love.

So here I am, in love, without the love of my life on my side. No quick fix to cure me of this condition. No blinking of an eye, no crossing of fingers. And if does one manage to accomplish things like this quickly, I’ll say that it is not a true love. So I must simply endure and wait. Wait until my life fades, wait until the gradual erosion of my love, just as the sea rush to shore, just as the wind blows into an empty space, just as the moon goes round the earth. Just as our seasons change, so I shall make the best, little by little, moment by moment, day by day, moving in tiny fractions of time until one day I’ll wake up and realize, I do not love her. Or will I?

Just In Love Living In A Nirvana… I still believe in HAPPY ENDINGS…